Chapter 1
I don’t know why the sight of Jaimie and Denner together made me cry. In my opinion, it was about time. Denner had been pining for what felt like forever, and you could’ve cut the tension between them with a knife.
But it hurt to see them like that, happy in the knowledge that they loved each other.
My last date had been in sixth grade, so I kinda knew what I was missing.
I still think it’s good to be single, and everyone’s in a big rush, but it still hurts.
Because I have never known what it’s like. Not just to love someone- I do that plenty and think I’m rather good at it- but to be loved.
Of course, my parents love me. My sister loves me. I love me. But not romantically. Familial affection.
So maybe that’s why the sight of all the joyous people who found each other makes me cry.
I’m happy for Jaimie and Denner, but I envy their joy.
If I told them that, they’d feel guilty. So I kept my mouth shut.
I think that Moritz, Jenn, and Ayn suspect that I’m not complete. I don’t know for sure.
It’s like I’m a fish forced to walk on my fins without water. I’m surviving. Not living.
A quiet Saturday morning, a few months into Jaimie and Denner’s relationship, I decided to make a cup of tea.
Some guys had given me crap about it during middle school, but it just…stopped.
When you hit high school, people stop being jerks about what makes you special. It’s nice. People just have that epiphany that being mean won’t change you.
I picked my favorite mug from the shelf. A minty green one with white vines crawling up the sides.
I went to the sink, nabbing a chamomile tea bag as I went. I filled the mug with water and put it in the microwave.
While I waited for the water to heat up, I did the morning crossword puzzle in the newspaper.
Hmmm… 1 down is “phobia”….
BEEP, BEEP! screeched the microwave.
I looked up from the paper and grouchily got up from my puzzle.
I scalded my fingers on the mug and hissed in pain.
Setting down the offending cup, I sucked my fingers.
My phone buzzed in my pocket.
Me: It’s too stupid early, try again after 8 am
Denner: I know you, and you’re an early bird. Dont lie
Me: What do u need then
Denner: Wanna help me w/ a prank on J?
Me: J as in your boyfriend or as in Jenn
Denner: both.
Me: YESSSSSSSSS
We texted for ten minutes, spitballing random ideas. I smiled at my screen.
Denner was fully himself when he was around Jaimie, unlike that pathetic little squirt Eli.
Eli had destroyed Denner, and then I destroyed him.
Jaimie was a better guy, but I was willing to protect Denner if he got unfriendly.
I love Jenn, Moritz, Ayn, Denner, and Moritz as a family.
Family always has your back. I have theirs, and they’ve got mine.
Our commitment to each other was tested shortly after Eli. He’d spent months poisoning us against each other, because he didn’t like how much time Denner spent with us.
Moritz is the calmest person I know, and he was crying by the time Denner and Eli broke up.
Ayn is the fiercest, and she was quiet and pale.
Jenn is the steadiest, but Eli sent her spiraling into depression and anxiety.
Denner is the most empathetic, and he wouldn’t get out of bed for a week.
And me…I am the person who bodily shoved Eli out of Denner’s living room. I am the person who convinced Jenn to get help. I am the person who lit Ayn’s spark again. I got Denner out of bed and into life. I introduced Moritz to Pilze, a neighbor’s puppy that she was surrendering.
Being human glue for others was how I kept myself together.
Until the day I just couldn’t.
That particular day, a few weeks from the end of the school year, I had been sitting in the lounge area outside the gym. I’d felt a panic attack coming on during class, and I didn’t want anyone to see me break.
So I put up my hand, said I’d go to the bathroom.
I lied, obviously.
I had tucked my legs up and was hugging them with my arms. My breath was coming in short gasps.
Tears were pooled in my eyes but hadn’t fallen.
I didn’t see them.
But I felt the couch underneath me tilt slightly as someone sat beside me.
If they said something, I didn’t hear it.
But I felt a hand on my shoulder, tapping a steady rhythm. Like a heartbeat.
I clung to that sensation as I tried to steady my own heartbeat.
When I settled back into my body, the tapping slowed, and then ceased.
The hand, however, stayed on my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, embarrassed someone had seen me like this.
“Hey, it’s no problem. I get them, too.”
The voice was neither male nor female, with a soft accent I couldn’t place. I looked up at the face.
Breathtaking. The hair was chin-length, with the two front streaks dyed rainbow. The face was smooth, with deep black eyes shaped like almonds, to match the natural hair.
“I’m Chae,” the mouth said.
“I don’t mean to be rude,” I said, my confidence coming back. “But, uh, what gender are you?”
The lips stretched into a wide grin. “I go by they-them.”
“Thanks for guiding me back, Chae, but I really gotta get back to class.”
Chae lifted their hand from my shoulder. “You never told me your name,” they said coyly.
My dark face flushed. I really wasn’t used to this. “I’m Carl,” I said.
Chae smirked again and walked off.
I stood there, gaping at their back like a fish out of water for at least a minute.
I liked that person. I liked them a lot.
I swore to myself that I’d learn as much as I could about this Chae.
